Part 1: When Terrorists Attack
When watching a nuclear attack, be sure to protect yourself from the blast
a large plate-glass window.
If you're near a source of radiation, try to absorb as much as possible with
your groin, because
radiation works a lot better than that lame "ENL4RGEM3NT" crap
you've been buying off the Internet.
Five minutes and 12 seconds ought
to do the trick.
Be careful, though. Too much radiation, and your whole body will grow to
Watch your head!
If you really overdo it and grow so big that your head is the size of a bus terminal, you might as
just leave town. Because man, we are NOT springing for your food bill! Pervert!
In the event that the radiation turns you into a disgusting mutant with a disfigured hand,
windows for crying out loud! Nobody wants to see that crap!
If the radiation causes your internal organs to start arguing with each other,
stand with your arms apart
in a neutral position so they don't think
you're taking sides. They'll shut up eventually.
If a terrorist gang member "tags" you with orange spray paint,
it's probably because
you don't have a cool tattoo.
Maybe now's a good time
one. You know, the
biohazard symbol would
look awesome on your right bicep. Think about it.
Or what about adding some dead birds, dead fish, and a hurricane symbol?
Might give you that "bad
boy" look you've been wanting.
On the other hand, dead animals probably wouldn't exactly be a hit with the ladies.
Best to stick with your original plan. Let's head to the tattoo parlor for
that biohazard symbol.
Oh, hey, check it out -- "Tattoos while you
Be advised that some terrorists are now threatening American citizens with secondhand smoke.
If a terrorist plays Kenny G, Yanni, or John Tesh at you, cower in a fetal position until they leave.
Otherwise, run the Hell away!
Part 2: The Aftermath
If a terrorist attack trashes your computer, you are likely to go into a deep depression.
time to grieve. Curling up in a little ball on the floor may help.
If you're trapped in a collapsed building, just use your handy anti-terrorism flashlight
to lift those
walls right off of you.
If you don't have your anti-terrorism flashlight with you, conserve oxygen by not farting.
Be courteous to your fellow survivors. Limit your online gaming and MTV viewing
to one-hour intervals (two hours during "Real World" marathons).
In the event of an extended terrorist attack, you may be forced to eat your children.
Break it to them gently.
Pretending to be a medic is a great way to cop a feel. A fake badge or a medical kit will
added credibility. Be sure to leave when the real medics arrive
Remember, if you give in to fear, the terrorists win. So, when evacuating a city, be sure to pull over
and enjoy a nice sunset. Or a thermonuclear blast in the distance. Whichever's handy.
Part 3: General Advice
Your house is a valuable asset. Don't set fire to it.
Just to be on the safe side, use a karate chop to open all exit doors.
This will surprise any terrorists
lying in wait on the other side.
Searching for a lost contact lens during a terrorist attack can only lead to tragedy.
Avoid jogging when your arm is on fire.
Never drive a station wagon if a power pole is sticking out of the hood.
If a terrorist Sith Lord (such as Darth Vader) starts using the Force to
it up, man. You're toast!
If a terrorist attack has crippled the local infrastructure, use the down-time to work on your taxes.
You know the IRS isn't going to cut you any slack.
If things really get bad, look for the clock tower from "Back to the Future." If
you might be able to go back in time and prevent it all from
happening in the first place.
Part 4: Recognizing and Reacting to Terrorists
Terrorists typically have both pinkeye and leprosy.
They also tend to rub their hands together maniacally.
To hide their diseased faces, terrorists often mask themselves. Also, the fact that they're
wearing vests made out of C-4 plastic explosive tends to make them sweat a lot.
If a sweaty, masked man with a missing nose asks you for extra linens, he's
probably a terrorist. Or
Michael Jackson. In either case, run the Hell away!
A terrorist on a suicide mission will often prepare by using radioactive
hair gel and face cream.
It gives them that special "glow" for
when they meet their personal collection of 72 virgins.
Terrorists hate Missouri. Especially Kansas City, St. Louis, and (ironically) Arab
Terrorists also hate elections. In the event of an attack, stay away from voting booths.
Terrorists particularly hate the English language. For maximum safety, switch
out all the signs in
your building to ones that are in Spanish.
If you do spot a terrorist, carefully unwrap your official anti-terrorism "Agent Orange" Whistle-Pop™ to
alert the authorities. Try not to shove your Whistle-Pop too far up your nose. It really hurts
when you do that!
Source: Images are from Ready.gov; captions are (mostly) original